A social commentary by Fuzzymath

I confess; I’m an egg nogaholic. I’m addicted to it. I’m drinking some right now. There. I just took another big gulp. Man, that’s good. I can’t remember my first sip of egg nog or even if I liked it but I can tell you this much; I love it now. I love the taste of egg nog, I love the texture of egg nog, I love the consistency of egg nog, and I love the sound of me drinkin' friggin' egg nog. I even love the word egg nog. I love it so much that I’m thinking of changing my name to egg nog.

If you’re a Noghead like me, you understand my pleasure. You also understand the hell I suffer through for eleven months out of the year. That’s because some shithead decided that egg nog should be a Christmas beverage and that makes it available only at the end of the year. What the crap? There’s got to be others like me in this country who would buy egg nog every week. Why not do some kind of a market analysis and find out how many of us there are and only stock that much? Or maybe they have done some kind of analysis and found that there aren’t enough Nogheads to justify year round egg nog production. Or maybe they’re just too lazy to care? Just cash in at Christmas and forget the rest? We need to find out what gives here, dammit. Someone needs to grab a torch and organize us angry egg nog villagers.

And what’s the deal with those skinny little quart cartons? Three glasses and I’m done. That’s bullshit. We should be able to buy gallon jugs of egg nog straight from an egg nog vending machine. Hell, I’d buy a keg of egg nog. That’s right. A whole keg full of cold egg nog with a pump and a hose. I’d have an egg nog keg party and invite all my egg nog-loving friends. We’d sit on the floor with our backs to the keg and pass the hose around clock-wise, drinking directly from the tap until the keg was empty. For snacks, I’d serve fried pork rinds. Pork rinds kick ass, too.

So, I say we initiate a letter-writing campaign to the dairy companies requesting that egg nog be made available year round and offered in gallon jugs or aluminum kegs. Egg nog should have its own refrigerated section in the dairy aisle apart from the milk and the fake milk. Not only that, dairy companies should produce egg nog yogurt, egg nog creamer, and egg nog-flavored cheese. I’d like to see egg nog branch out from the dairy section and make its way over to the cereal aisle. Egg nog cereal would absolutely stomp balls, man. After conquering cereal, the natural progression would be egg nog candy. Little egg nog eggs, egg nog kisses, and egg nog bars of all sizes. Egg nog could become a scent as well. There could be egg nog candles, laundry detergent, and toilet bowl cleaner. You could sprinkle egg nog carpet deodorizer, rub on egg nog skin lotion, and brush your teeth with egg nog toothpaste.

Of course, all this egg noggery would take place only in a perfect society and sadly we are far, far from that, my friends. In fact, we’ve only got to look forward to just a few more days of our beloved libation even being around. After Christmas, the delivery trucks will deliver no more and what’s left will dwindle down to just a few little cartons in a matter of days. By the first week of January, there’ll be a scuffle or two as the last few units are fought over and won. By the end of that week, there will be no more egg nog for eleven more months. Eleven long months.

That’s when the withdrawals set in. You’ll see shoppers standing at the refrigerator case staring blankly at the rack hoping beyond all hope that it might still be there. A few despondent souls will even refuse to leave the dairy section, leaning against the glass and breathing on it, tracing images of egg nog with their fingers until escorted away.

Those that can endure until Spring will overcome their nog deprivation and make it to Christmas again. Those that don’t will slip into a nog-induced coma and be kept alive with machines and hoses all because egg nog comes only once a year. And the dairy companies will turn a blind eye all in the name of a lousy dollar.

Oh, the humanity.