Talk about stuff that has nothing to do with Ghostbusters!
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By Sav C
#4905333
I have intrusive thoughts. I've had them for two years or so now I would say. I'm pretty ashamed of them, and haven't told anybody. I don't know if they're caused by OCD or not; I would say they aren't since I don't think I present OCD symptoms, besides the fact that I do have obsessive thoughts.

They make me think I'm a lousy person because of them, and they are hindering my ability to do school and work I believe. I haven't done any school work this year, and am having trouble applying for a job I had last year and want again. Every time I try to sit down and write my cover letter I feel like writing something along the lines of "Both you and I know that I sucked at my job last year." I don't know why it happens, because I'm sure I actually did really good work last year, and enjoyed my job a lot.

They got much worse last year after I lost friends to murder and suicide, and had a health scare of my own. Before that they weren't holding me back or anything, but now I think they are eating away at my ambition and certain aspects of my self confidence. A lot of my intrusive thoughts revolve around either someone initiating a fist fight with me or vice versa. Often times I'm called racial slurs in my own thoughts. I'm never called slurs in real life, ever. All of my relationships are stable. I don't have any reason to believe anyone is not being genuinely nice to me ever, for instance I don't have any reason to believe what I said in a post like this one: viewtopic.php?p=4885971#p4885971

I'm afraid to tell anyone because I am afraid of the possibility that no one will believe when I say they're internal. I am convinced however that it is purely internal conflict because I'm happy with my life. I should talk to a councilor, but whenever I go to do that I feel completely fine. That's why I'm putting it here, because I want to get it out (an administrator can delete this post if need be).
User avatar
By Sav C
#4905355
I got all A's and one B on my first term report card (plus an incomplete in a course I chose not to start in the second term). My second term was one A, and the rest incomplete. Now I'm looking at a second term in a row with all incompletes. I don't want to do poorly in a grade for the first time, but I don't have enough motivation to do anything about it.
By Styrofoam_Guy
#4905363
I do think you should try and get some help. I am not a professional and it is good that you realize something is wrong.

I have not had depression before but I do know people who do have it. Not the easiest thing to solve but again this is where professional help is needed. Do not be ashamed to seek help. Hopefully with help you can realize when you are starting to feel down and know the steps to take to prevent any further downward spiral and lift yourself up.
By jo r
#4905364
I agree with Styrofoam Guy.

While I commend your trying to sort through the possible contributors to how you are feeling, I do think someone who is trained and knows the resources available to you could really help you with this process. They may even be able to help you with the cover letter for the job, and work on a time table to address some of your Incomplete grades. Remember "Incomplete" means there is still an opportunity to fix things, and people who believe you can.

Since you have considered meeting with a counselor in person, but it did not work out, maybe you should consider contacting them by email. You are very articulate, and can lay out your concerns just as you have here. That way, you may feel more comfortable in the initial face-to-face meeting knowing they already have an understanding of what you are feeling.

Please let us know how you fare, the GB community is one that cares.
Best wishes to you,
Jo R (Joanne)
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By Sav C
#4905369
Thank you both for your kind words. I will definitely talk to a councillor, sooner rather than later. Just getting this off of my chest here was enough to get my cover letter close to being finished.

While this is probably too much to speculate about accurately, I do think there is a possibility of it being a familial thing. I do think that it is more likely something similar to OCD rather than depression, or possibly depression caused by OCD. Either way, both OCD and depression have evidence to support that they are partially caused by genetics.
By One time
#4905389
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I remember a similar episode when I was younger, that whole year I was 100% sure I was going to get into some calamitous personal streetfight/doom situation. I even told my friends about my worries.

Well no suprise, that period came and went as they all do without anything at all happening. I guess all these experiences mould us into who we are, make us stronger in the end.

But yeah like the other two people said, if it really bothers you just talk it over with a councillor, people are there to offer help.

And everytime I felt down I would hit the gym! Nothing like working out to release endorphins and boost your self confidence. Later I found out that (in my country) the first thing mental health doctors do to first time patients is set them a sports training regimen (usually activities such as running twice a week in a group with other patients.) So it turns out exercise really does help.

Keep us updated how it goes (if u want).
User avatar
By Sav C
#4905442
Hi all, I just want to say thank you again for all of your help. Just getting my worries out here really helped a lot. I still plan to see a councillor so that I can better ward of any future bouts like this, but at the moment I'm doing a lot better. I applied for the job, got a little schoolwork done, and plan on resuming my workout routine. You three were all a really big help; if there is anything I can ever do for you, please don't hesitate to ask!
Thanks again,
Sav
One time liked this
By jo r
#4905449
Thanks for the update, Sav. I will keep my fingers crossed that you get the job again!

I am sure seeing yourself make some progress on your checklist will continue to lift your spirits.

Please keep the counselor visit on your checklist. I am sure you are not the only one who feels this way sometimes, and maybe you can find a way to support and be supported locally. Teamwork makes the Dream work!

All my best to you,
Jo R
Sav C liked this
User avatar
By Sav C
#4906096
Hi, Jo! Thanks for checking in--things have gotten better since my outburst here. I managed to complete two school courses, and closed the gap on most of the others. However there are two courses which I will have to take over the summer. I live in an isolated, small town, but I managed to get out to the city for the first time in nearly two years. While in the city I toured a college campus, which later motivated me to get some of my school work done (as it reminded me what I'm working towards).

I looked into intrusive thoughts a bit more, and realized that they are somewhat common--which helped ease my anxiety over them. They're much less intense for now.

I appreciate you checking in on me.

Hope all's well, Sav
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By robbritton
#4906243
Glad to hear things have gotten better Sav. I'm intrusive thought city over here, and it can be draining and feel like a constant fight, so I sympathise entirely. I've found it's gotten better with age, but it's always a thing I have to be aware of and fight back against. I had counselling help, and it was all good and lovely, so it's nothing to avoid pursuing if you feel it'd help. (As an aside my CBT lady actually told me this week to "try and be more like the Ghostbusters" as a way to combat anxiety! I guess she saw me coming!)

Point is, it is more common than you'd think, and it doesn't mean anything bad about you and I'm glad stuff seems to be getting better!
User avatar
By Sav C
#4906254
I'm glad it's gotten better with age for you. I think I should point out again that I am only self diagnosed, so I could be wrong at to what it really is. Knowing about how common it is helped, as I feel a lot less isolated now.

I don't mean to burden anyone here with my problems, but unfortunately I seem to find myself in a similar situation to what caused my decline in mental health over the past year. It's less than a week until it's been a year since my friend was murdered last year (by someone I also knew), and while we weren't close it was definitely a turning point as I went from be emotionally in control to all over the place. Anyway, I found out last night that someone else was murdered in my town, and while I haven't found out who it was yet, I'm scared that there's a high likelihood that I know them, too. I've been afraid to even open Facebook because I don't want to find out. The closest thing I can think of to equate this feeling to is the anxiety I experience when going into anaphylaxis. It's awful.
By Styrofoam_Guy
#4906258
I can't imagine how it would feel like knowing someone who was murdered.

Do keep us updated and hope things keep getting better for you. People do find that writing things out helps a lot. Sort of like a diary. I used to use Livejournal a lot and it was a nice release sometimes when things bothered me. A lot fo my close friends also used it and it made a lot of us much closer. Unfortunately Facebook came along and people left livejournal for that. Facebook just is not the same.
By jo r
#4906272
Sav,

It's good to hear that you recognize events and anniversaries of events that can bring on anxieties. This will go a long way in keeping you healthy. Good luck with your two summer classes, take time out to do things that bring you joy, or brightens someone else's day. Feeling like you make a positive impact, even in a small way, is therapeutic to many (that's my go to- I work with animals, and citizen science projects). Keep posting, we do care.

Best wishes,
Jo
User avatar
By Sav C
#4906282
Thank you all again for your support, I really do appreciate it.

At this point the victim's name still hasn't been released. The helpless feeling is still there, but the more time that passes the less likely (I assume) I am to know the victim. While it's impersonal to think like that, it helps me fret less as there is nothing that I can do at this point.
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