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#4989191
As the title says, I went ahead and wrote my own version of Ghostbusters 3. It’s a first draft.

I’m curious to get some feedback on it.

It takes inspirations from a lot of different sources. You’ll see some major winks and nods to Extreme Ghostbusters. The opening scene is inspired by the pilots opening scene. The plot is very different. I even have a few little Easter eggs.

What I’ll do is I’ll copy/past the opening scene here. If enough people show interest I’ll create a link for people to read it. Or you can PM me.

So here’s the first scene. Hope you dig it. This is a passing of the torch movie with mostly new characters.

*****************************

Ghostbusters III

Written By RichardLess

First Draft

Fade in
EXT New York City Skyline-Morning

A bustling metropolis that never sleeps is gearing up for a new day. We descend from a GODS EYE VIEW of DOWNTOWN Manhattan all the way down to street level where torn up concrete, pylons and busy construction workers digging & moving mounds of earth fill the frame.


EXT New York City Street Level—Day
Annoyed New York commuters honk at the nuisance of a closed lane way on a hot New York City morning. A large sign facing the flow of diverted traffic reads: “Coming 2012 The 118th Street Subway expansion. Brought To You By Mayor Walter Peck & New York City Public Works. Mayor Peck: Promises Made, Promises Kept”
A picture of the honourable Mayor giving a “Thumbs Up” is looked with distain by a taxi driver caught in the hell of early morning bumper to bumper traffic

Taxi Driver(off the sign of Mayor Peck):
What an asshole.

We descend further into the construction hole dug by workers and enter the subterranean realm. A worker dressed to the nines in safety gear rides down a make shift elevator shaft 20 feet below the surface

INT Subway Construction Site-Day


The rickety elevator reaches the floor, the worker wears a name tag identifying him as Reggie, Reggie raises the elevator safety gate & starts making his way down into an empty cavernous tunnel
hallway.

We can hear drills, saws and the busy work of construction crew just out of sight as the hall leads all the way down to a sharp 90 degree left hand turn. It’s hot, cramped and steamy. The feeling is ominous.

Crudely hung Overhead lights flicker as Reggie makes his way down the tunnel corridor, following rows of cables, pipes & discarded tools. We keep following Reggie as he reaches the sharp 90 degree corner. As he rounds the corner we see what see sees;

Dozens of Men loading a large drill bit onto a large horizontal rig at the very end of the tunnel. Reggie passes a discarded drill bit on the dirt floor.

In a CU we note half of the drill bit is melted and smoking.

As Reggie gets closer to the drilling a cold breeze gently blows against him causing Reggie to shiver.

The workers all face the same direction, backs turned to us and Reggie.

Reggie taps a worker on the shoulder, this is the foreman, Jerry, the foreman jumps, startled by Reggie’s presence.

Jerry
Jee-Zuss .Don’t come up on people like that. Scared the beejesus out of me

Reggie(loud over the noises):
Boss wants to know what the hold up is, can’t reach you on the walkie

Foreman:
You see that?

He motions to the melted drill bit

Reggie:
What the…
(Reggie bends down to quickly examine the bit)

Foreman:
21 Years on the job. I ain’t never seen nothing like that. That’s a diamond encrusted bit. You tell ‘em that

Reggie: (sniffing the air)
What’s that smell?

Foreman:
We duno. We were drilling into rock wall, got about 37 feet. Then that happened. I figure it’s the bit giving off the smell? Either that or toxic fumes

Off Reggie’s concerned look

Foreman
Ha! Just pulling your chain kid. It’s gotta be the bit

Reggie:
Alright. I’ll tell ‘em. Christ it’s freezing over here!

Foreman:
An hour ago it was 103 in here. Now it’s 41. Strangest damn thing I eva saw. You got ear protection? This bitch is loud when we start her back up

Reggie: (over the loud sound)
WHAT!?!

Foreman points to his ears. Reggie gives an enthusiastic thumbs up

Reggie:
Oh Yeah.

Reggie motions to his large headphones connected to a MP3 player.

The foreman gives a sign to the drill operator to restart the drill. We just start to hear the loud motorized cacophony of gears, hydraulics & pistons coming to life.
Reggie puts on his noise canceling headphones, blocking out the noise for him and us. Reggie selects a tune on his MP3 player. Reggie turns & starts making his way back to the elevator & surface.

The sounds of Billie Jean by Michael Jackson come over the sound track. This song will play over the following sequence which plays in one long completely unbroken take:

Facing the camera we see Reggie begin his trek back to the surface in a wide LONG SHOT. We see what’s happening behind him as the workmen get smaller in the distance. Reggie starts to conservatively strut to the music as a self conscious person might.

Just as Reggie rounds the corner WE SEE an unnatural gaseous Green light emanate from the drilling area, the green glow strobes on the cavernous dirt embankment walls behind Reggie, who’s completely oblivious.

Now that he’s around the bend and out of their view Reggie’s struts are turning into a walking dance just as Dozens of construction hard hats fly behind him at tremendous speed & force. The hard hats CRASH into the dirt embankment with such force they become embedded in the wall

Reggie, still in his own little world of Billie Jean, starts lip singing, using his unlit flashlight as an impromptu microphone. He’s in full on dance/strut mode now. Shaking his hips, tapping his toes and walking like he owns the place.

As Reggie silently performs to the chorus, a panicked Jerry has just rounded the 90 degrees corner 10 feet behind Reggie. We can just make out the terror on his face as Jerry is violently pulled to the ground by an unseen force attempting to drag him back around the corner. Jerry desperately grips the dirt embankment wall with one hand and the dirt floor with the other, holding on for dear life

(This should remind us of Jurassic Park with the worker being pulled into the Raptor cage, only with Michael Jackson instead of John Williams)
.
As Reggie dances the foreman is tossed like a rag doll violently up against 10 foot ceiling and back down to the ground, back up to the ceiling back to the ground. Finally Jerry is yanked violently out of sight
, leaving only his claw marks in the dirt as evidence of the struggle.

Jerry disappears from view just as Reggie does a 360 degree twirl, sashay’s to the side, twirls another 180 degrees & with his back to us, moonwalks a good 6 feet finally spinning back around to face us. Reggie has moves!

Suddenly all the lights and power go out in the underground hallway. We are In complete darkness except for the dim light on Reggie’s hard hat light. Reggie kills the music on his MP3 player & removes his headphones. It’s complete silence. We can’t even hear the traffic above. Reggie Turns on the flashlight/former improvised microphone, his hands shaking as he scans his surroundings

Reggie(startled)
Hello?

Silence

Reggie
Yo! Everything ok? Guys?

Reggie hears something move behind him, he quickly turns but there’s nothing & nobody.

Reggie(meekly)
Jerry? You there man?

We hear nothing. We see only what’s illuminated by Reggie’s hard hat light and flashlight. It’s quiet as a tomb.

Reggie slowly makes his way back towards the 90 degree turn and the drill area. Reggie’s terrified. His hand still shakes as he reaches for the walkie-talkie clipped to his belt. He unclips the walkie talkie and speaks into it

Reggie:
We have a code 9 down at the site. Someone flip the generators! Now! Please. Over.

Nothing but Static.

Reggie starts to repeat his transmission

Suddenly a hauntingly unnatural voice starts coming thru.


Voice
Hheeellppp me

Reggie
Hello? Repeat transmission, over

An Ungodly, inhuman sounding SCREAM EMANATES from the walkie-talkie. As the green glow around the corner returns. The scream builds and builds until the walkie talkie EXPLODES in Reggie’s hand, completely disintegrating. The light on his hard hat now fades in & out. Reggie smacks his hand against it. It dims to a low light then fades out completely.

The only light that remains comes from the handheld flash light and the green glow beyond the corner

Reggie’s at the 90 degree corner threshold. A deep guttural rumble is heard as the unnatural ethereal green glow beckons. Strange disturbing sounds start to fill the air. Children laughing, giggling, the laugh turns deeper and more menacing, then a young girl with a blood curdling scream is heard. Finally a monstrously primal, evil roar silences all.

Reggie
If this is a prank I swear…

As we adjust to the darkness we can see Reggie’s breath it’s now so cold.

Reggie gathers his strength. Still at the threshold of the corner

Reggie(Soto)
Ok. Reggie, you got this. On 3

Reggie swallows and begins to count

Reggie(nervous, unsure)
1….?

A slight breeze blows Reggie’s clothing

Reggie(stuttering)
2…2….2?

The green light starts strobing violently. Faster and faster as deep rumbling growing louder and louder with a gaseous vapour cloud filling the air

Reggie manages to get the first syllable of “3” out when his body is YANKED FORWARD HARD just as huge blast of AIR blows his hard hat clean off. His flashlight and MP3 player/headphones fall to the ground. Reggie’s screams echo in the complete darkness. A monstrous roar is heard as Reggie’s terrified screams fade off into the distance. The gaseous vapour quickly retreats back the way it came as the green glow flickers on and off and finally dies off completely.

The underground lighting flicks back on as we faintly hear the New York City traffic far above us for the first time. All is back to seemingly normal.

A CU of The hard hat as its light flickers on the dirt floor illuminating the discarded headphones

We start to make out music from the head phones lying on the ground. It sounds familiar…(Ray Parker Jr’s Ghostbusters theme song)

The music starts diegetic over the headphones, mono & tinny sounding until it builds and fills the entire soundscape with the hard hat light beam, hitting the noise canceling Bose headphones which when mixed with the shadows of worker equipment creates a shadow on the dirt wall that just barely, for a moment, looks like it forms some sort of Rorschach “No Ghost” logo.

The “Ghostbusters” theme song really kicks in now and the animated logo takes over from the shadow & fills up the screen. The camera reverse zooms back down the hallway, up the elevator shaft and back up to the gods eye view of New York City. 3 Rusty Metal Bars slowly lower over the No Ghost Logo which forms the Roman numeral III. The Rusty bars stop as they are perfectly centred over the logo. The Mooglie ghost grips the metallic Roman numerals as if they formed prison bars.

The soundtrack and picture fade out as we cut
GuyX liked this
#4989251
RichardLess wrote: December 10th, 2023, 1:43 am As the title says, I went ahead and wrote my own version of Ghostbusters 3. It’s a first draft.

I’m curious to get some feedback on it.

It takes inspirations from a lot of different sources. You’ll see some major winks and nods to Extreme Ghostbusters. The opening scene is inspired by the pilots opening scene. The plot is very different. I even have a few little Easter eggs.

What I’ll do is I’ll copy/past the opening scene here. If enough people show interest I’ll create a link for people to read it. Or you can PM me.

So here’s the first scene. Hope you dig it. This is a passing of the torch movie with mostly new characters.
So far so good. I like the theme song starting out over the headphones and the “Rorschach No ghost logo”. Cool idea.

I could see the dance/horror juxtaposition working. Though I’m not sure Billie Jean is a good choice. If it’s a Michael Jackson song maybe “Beat It” would work better?

The idea is that when foreman gets taken, the dancing guy just misses witnessing it with his twirling, right?

I’d like to read more. Can u PM me a copy or link to it here?

Oh. It says “Coming in 2012” is that a mistake or is that when this takes place?
Last edited by Kingpin on December 12th, 2023, 2:19 am, edited 1 time in total.Reason: Reduced quoted text.
#4989253
@RichardLess -

Nice start, so far - But, I'm guessing it reads like a screenplay and not a story?
I've dabbled in writing some fan-fictions over the course of the last decade, so the story format threw me off a bit.
Not that it's a bad thing, of course. Seems like an interesting take on it and I do like it. :crunch:
#4989258
gamera1968 wrote: December 11th, 2023, 8:27 pm @RichardLess -

Nice start, so far - But, I'm guessing it reads like a screenplay and not a story?
I've dabbled in writing some fan-fictions over the course of the last decade, so the story format threw me off a bit.
Not that it's a bad thing, of course. Seems like an interesting take on it and I do like it. :crunch:
Thank you.

And yes. It’s a full screenplay. I didn’t originally post it on this forum but the “general discussion” area and I think a mod moved it over here.

But yeah the screenplay format might be jarring to anyone who’s not use to reading them but it’s the only way I know how lol.

@GUYX
The idea is that when foreman gets taken, the dancing guy just misses witnessing it with his twirling, right?

I’d like to read more. Can u PM me a copy or link to it here?

Oh. It says “Coming in 2012” is that a mistake or is that when this takes place?
Yeah that’s right. He’s so into his own world he isn’t noticing the horror happening behind him.

And no, not a mistake. It had it take place in 2012 for a reason.

I’ll PM you a copy on the condition that you be completely honest in your appraisal. If it’s dog shit, please, let me know.

I don’t think the suggestion of Beat It over Billie Jean would work. Beat It is much more aggressive as a song. Billie Jean is…you can’t help but want to dance. That song is like a dance Virus.

Thank you for your kind words
gamera1968 liked this
#4989280
Wasn’t sure if u want me to responded here or via PM but thanks for sending it. I just finished. I’ll give u my honest appraisal

All I can say is: Wow.

I won’t lie. I don’t know what I expected but this was really great. It was funny. It shocked me how funny it was. Well done.

What I really enjoyed was how u threaded the needle of using elements from Real Ghostbusters, Extreme Ghostbusters. Even a bit of Hellbent ends up in there. (Right? Or am I crazy? Venkman’s journey was inspired by Hellbent?)

But the idea of having the Felski & the Quinn character seeing Mr. Stay Puft as a kids & the other guy seeing the Statue of Liberty? Wonderful. Very cool.

The 1st bust is something I could just picture & I was laughing, + the call back at the end? U really skate up against the PG13 line. U do say they have undergarments on so I guess it would be fine.

What happens to Venkman is such a good gag. Then u tie it in with a pretty moving bit(I’m trying not to spoil it incase others want to read it). The joke about Egon with the portobello mushrooms is great.

U also plug in sum plot holes or plot issues people had with GB2. I’ve seen u mention that on this site before & it was well done in the script. Added to the mythology in a big way & helps keep ghosts more of a less accepted thing.

I could go on & on. So that’s “the good”.

I have some criticism. The relationship between Miranda & Norm kind of just sputters @ the end. Does she forgive him? Or not care?

& there’s the big villain twist. Well it’s not really a twist but u reference the actor a couple times previously, setting it up. (The 2 characters waking up). Is that supernatural? Coincidence? Why does the villain appear as that actor? It’s a very funny scene. But it seems random. Or is that the point? Is the joke that the actor has always been this way? I just wasn’t clear on that. When u mentioned the black turtle neck & balding head I thought it was going to be Steve Jobs. What u needed up with is much, much funnier.

Also u might want to add some personal stakes for the climax. In GB 1 & 2 it’s Dana & Oscar. Maybe having 1 of the “Soulless” be some1 important 2 the new/old GB’s? I duno.

Overall though? This was really great. I loved Afterlife. But if I had a choice to see either film? If u iron out a couple things this could’ve been something.

If u ever do another draft, plz, I’d love to read it.

1 last thing. U really picked sum good names for the new characters. The OGB’s have really unique names & I thought ur choices were excellent. Nice Blues Brothers reference 2 @ the end with the Ecto 1. Brilliant.
#4989285
@RicharLess - You're most welcome. I thought as much regarding the writing format and if it works, then I say run with it. :)
#4989297
GuyX wrote: December 12th, 2023, 3:33 am Wasn’t sure if u want me to responded here or via PM but thanks for sending it. I just finished. I’ll give u my honest appraisal

All I can say is: Wow.

I won’t lie. I don’t know what I expected but this was really great. It was funny. It shocked me how funny it was. Well done.

What I really enjoyed was how u threaded the needle of using elements from Real Ghostbusters, Extreme Ghostbusters. Even a bit of Hellbent ends up in there. (Right? Or am I crazy? Venkman’s journey was inspired by Hellbent?)

But the idea of having the Felski & the Quinn character seeing Mr. Stay Puft as a kids & the other guy seeing the Statue of Liberty? Wonderful. Very cool.

The 1st bust is something I could just picture & I was laughing, + the call back at the end? U really skate up against the PG13 line. U do say they have undergarments on so I guess it would be fine.

What happens to Venkman is such a good gag. Then u tie it in with a pretty moving bit(I’m trying not to spoil it incase others want to read it). The joke about Egon with the portobello mushrooms is great.

U also plug in sum plot holes or plot issues people had with GB2. I’ve seen u mention that on this site before & it was well done in the script. Added to the mythology in a big way & helps keep ghosts more of a less accepted thing.

I could go on & on. So that’s “the good”.

I have some criticism. The relationship between Miranda & Norm kind of just sputters @ the end. Does she forgive him? Or not care?

& there’s the big villain twist. Well it’s not really a twist but u reference the actor a couple times previously, setting it up. (The 2 characters waking up). Is that supernatural? Coincidence? Why does the villain appear as that actor? It’s a very funny scene. But it seems random. Or is that the point? Is the joke that the actor has always been this way? I just wasn’t clear on that. When u mentioned the black turtle neck & balding head I thought it was going to be Steve Jobs. What u needed up with is much, much funnier.

Also u might want to add some personal stakes for the climax. In GB 1 & 2 it’s Dana & Oscar. Maybe having 1 of the “Soulless” be some1 important 2 the new/old GB’s? I duno.

Overall though? This was really great. I loved Afterlife. But if I had a choice to see either film? If u iron out a couple things this could’ve been something.

If u ever do another draft, plz, I’d love to read it.

1 last thing. U really picked sum good names for the new characters. The OGB’s have really unique names & I thought ur choices were excellent. Nice Blues Brothers reference 2 @ the end with the Ecto 1. Brilliant.
I can’t tell you how nice it was to get up this morning and read this. Thank you. Truly.

As for the “Actor” thing. I do have an answer but it wouldn’t be much fun if I told you. It’s for you to decide. Was it a coincidence? What do you think? The joke definitely is the randomness of it. It’s sort of like “Being John Malkovich” in that way.

And yes I do think what needs the most work is the climax. However the lack of personal stakes was a deliberate choice I made. So often in movies that can feel forced. I went down that path, before I scripted this out it was a story treatment. And Oscar was a part of it. In the end I cut him out. The original climax had him being one of the soulless. But I didn’t like it. Oscar sort of morphed into the Ogilvie character. At that point originally Ray and Oggie had more of a connection but I dropped that in favour of Oggie being more of a mystery. He’s like the new Louis if Louis thought he had charisma.

I was glad you caught the Hellbent reference. There’s one you missed though. It’s a huge deep cut. It involves Ray. Can you spot it?

I love that you liked the Venkman “gag”. That was a big swing and something that worried me the most. Picturing it always made me laugh so I’m super glad you thought the same.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll bother with another draft. This was just a fun exercise to get something out of my system. If I ever do another one I’ll let you know.

Thanks again for the kind words. Seriously. And the criticism too. All of it helps.

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