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By GBPaulRivera
#4894506
Hi everybody, so I recently posted on the GB Fans Club Facebook page the first page of Chapter one for a Christmas story to a series of fan-fiction episodes revolving around the 2016 team. One person, Dan Harshman (Thanks Dan) who saw through my ruse, and he made some valid points. While "not awful", these are the things he said to help me improve:
  • [you] have some run on sentences,
    you're assuming that your readers know different classes
    you describe the ghosts but not the Ghostbusters, don't assume your audience.
    The scenery is bland.
    Clarify the dialogue.
    Keep working. (More of a final tip than point)
I pretty much agree, after all I'm working on the first draft, and somehow this has given me some encouragement. So below is the first 2 pages to the first chapter and its plot synopsis. I know it isn't a lot, but I'd really be happy if I can get back some constructive criticism to help me see what I can do. I'm no professional writer of course, and I'm not here to please everyone, but I'd like to give an all around good time. Anything to get this story where it needs to be. Enjoy.

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Call The Ghostbusters "A Christmas Spooktacular" (Working Title)
Plot Synopsis
Set in the Christmas Eve of 2017, we re-join Dr. Erin Gilbert, Dr. Abby Yates, Patty Tolan, and Dr. Jillian Holtzmann on the day and night before Christmas. As they're preparing to head on a well deserved vacation to the tropics, a phone call from Rockefeller Center comes up that seems like a quick and easy job, but soon evolves into a night of chaos. With a handful of security guards on their side and the ghost of a sorcerer with a skyscraper full of wild specters on his side, can they stop the insanity of it all before it reaches to the streets? Probably, but find out how in this first of the Ghostbusters' ongoing adventures!

Chapter One

Central Park, New York City
December 24th, 2017
9:15 A.M.

“Dada dada DA daaa, dadada DA da da daaa ...”
Erin Gilbert expected to wake up on the day of Christmas Eve thinking that since the holidays are almost over, any call they’ve got today wouldn’t be that tough. Of course, this wasn’t the first time she was proven to be wrong.
“Ten O'clock high!” shouted Abby Yates. Two proton streams cut through the sky and missed the beings they were after. Dozens upon dozens of tiny Class Two demonic bats in stereotypical elf costumes with thin black skinned wings poking out of their backs, long fork shaped tails, sharp talons at their feet and deadly clawed nails on their fingers.

SKREEEEE!

Erin ducked with Abby in to avoid the slew of demon elf-bats that swooped toward them.

“Why couldn't we get something like those pixies we dealt with last Christmas? All they did was yap away about their beauty and charm like some spoiled teenagers.” Erin exclaimed as they got up for another shot at the winged Class Two creeps.

“Are you kidding?! I rather deal with these guys all day then heard those five inch tall bimbo valley girls with sparkle covered butterfly wings.” Jillian Holtzmann protested to that notion as she was wielding her proton pistols at two ghosts. One was a Class Four green glowing overweight drunken bum's ghost dressed up as Santa Claus with a fake beard barely hanging on and a ripped up costume that was cut at the torso since it had no legs, but a typical ghostly tail that waved about in the air. The other stream was on Class Four spectral reindeer in a rotting corpse form with some exposed bones and oozing purple slime from the guts it had. It maniacally laughed at her, its head twisting in every direction and the sound of bone crunch at each turn the neck made. “Ew.”

“Yo, guys! Can I get a little help here … this thing's getting out of hand now!” Patty Tolan shouted, wearing her Ecto-goggles as her hands gripped the neutrona wand whilst blasting at a twelve foot tall pine tree possessed by a Class Five. It roared in pain from this beam of light that felt like a fire coiling around its trunk.

The Ghostbusters were a couple yards away from the Tavern on the Green, from which they got the call. The Central Park icon was preparing for a Winter Wonderland event to celebrate the Christmas-Holiday season. As these things usually go, there was a sudden appearance, really out of nowhere, of what the kitchen staff believed to be a homeless man who had wondered, but of course things aren’t always as they seemed. The homeless man was in fact the fake Santa that was screaming as Holtzmann was currently dragging him across the snowy pavement. He wasn't alone, as we know, and a gang of holiday themed entities also came to eat and attack the Tavern. The ghosts’ left three chefs with minor injuries and a mess that was practically repairable ... that is until the Ghostbusters came in.

“Woah!” Patty yelled. She jumped away as the possessed tree flung its stretched out piney wooden fist at her. It missed and hit the ground instead with an intense power to shake the nearby ground. Patty looked around to see the others were well too busy, but up ahead was the Tavern. An idea popped in her head, and she got back up to shoot at the thing again. “Alright ugly, let’s go! Patty ain’t playing around!”

HROOOONK!

Patty hurried back to the restaurant, while Abby was the attention of the bat elves. They swarmed in, gaining speed on the Ghostbuster. Her hot breath huffed and puffed as she ran up a snowy hill. At the top of the hill was a nearby child’s sleigh, and a grin grew across her face. Abby jumped on the sleigh, and cheered as it went down the hill. That is until the momentary on the fly “awesome” idea was obliterated when the sleigh hit a pebble and flipped her through the air.

“Agh! Oof! Son of a–” she yelled. Abby bounced and rolled down the hill. She groaned and shook her head, the bat-elves were flying straight toward her. She sat at the bottom, waiting for the right moment. Three ... two ... one! “Hit it!”

Abby rolled away in time for the newer, smaller, black spray painted cylindrical trap that Erin secretly laid out under some snow. She stomped on the pedal as the creatures flew directly into the matrix vacuum of the trap.

SKREEEE! SKRAAW!

The trap's tiny doors closed and a tiny red light on the side faded in and out at the same time an array of yellow led lights pulsed from left to right until they came to a pause. The trapped beeped a couple of times. Smoke flowed from the trap and electricity cackled around the exterior.

“Ha-Haaaa! Take that you Class Two Vermin Imprinters!” Abby exclaimed. Erin came to collect the swarm while her childhood friend scanned them with the PKE meter.

“There’s got to be about 30 of these damned things in here. I call that a good payday.” Erin said and high-fived Abby.

“Actually 32. We had 40, but I accidentally blasted a few to disrupt their psychokinetic cohesion at a subatomic level. They tried to purposely shoot some ghost guano on me.”

“Well hey, who could blame you for that.”

Erin chuckled and strapped the trap to her belt.

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Again, this is a preview, and I'm actually happy someone thought it wasn't bad, but needs improvement. With summer break here, I'd really like to get this story and another one done in time for the Holidays and new year. I'm not a professional writer, but it's about having fun, working at it, and making sure someone else has fun too. Please, any constructive criticism to improve and what you liked and didn't like, I'll read them out and reply. Thank you. Happy 33rd to Ghostbusters!

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